Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry Seinfeld had a Halloween story in his stand up comedy act. He even turned it into a children’s book. This is a transcript of the story from his stand up.

Candy was my whole life when I was a kid. That was the first ten years of my life. I think the only clear thought I had was, “Get Candy!” That was it.

Family, friends, school, they were just obstacles in they way of the candy. I’m out for the candy here. I was just thinking, “GetcandyGetcandyGetcandyGetcandyGetcandy…”

That’s why you have to teach kids not to take candy from a stranger if they’re playing in the playground, because they’re such candy idiot moron brains, they’re just like, “This man has candy I’m going with him goodbye I don’t care what happens to me… GetcandyGetcandyGetcandyGetcandyGetcandy…”

“Don’t go! They’ll torture you! They’ll kidnap you!”

“It doesn’t matter he has an Old Henry I have to take that chance…GetcandyGetcandyGetcandyGetcandyGetcandyGetcandy…”

So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you’re a kid,
your brain can’t even process the information. You’re like, “What is this? What did you say? What did you say about giving out candy? Who’s giving out candy? Everyone that we know is just giving out candy? Are you kidding me? When is this happening? Where? Why? Take me with you! I gotta be a part of this. I’ll do anything that they want… I can wear that… I’ll wear anything I have to wear. I’ll do anything I have to do to get the candy from those fools who are so stupid they’re giving it away.”

So, the first couple of years I made my own costumes which of course sucked… The Ghost, the Hobo… No good. Then finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume, not surprisingly. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included.

Remember the rubber band on the back of that mask? That was a quality item there, wasn’t it? That was good about 10 seconds before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in there with.
You go to your first house: “Trick or…” Snap! “It broke. I don’t believe it! Wait up, you guys! I gotta fix it! Hey, wait up! Wait up!”

That’s what kids say. They don’t say, “Wait!”, they say, “Wait up! Hey, wait up!” Beause when you’re little, your life is up, the future is up, everything you want is up. “Wait up! Hold up! Shut up! Mamma, clean up! Let me stay up!”

For parents, of course, everything is just the opposite. Everything is down. “Just calm down! Slow down! Come down here! Sit down! Put that down!”

So I had my little costume. I was physically ready. I was preparing myself. I did not try on the costume prior to Halloween.

Do you remember this? This is an obscure one but, I remember on the side of the box from my Superman costume, it actually said: “Do not attempt to fly!” They printed that as a warning because kids would put it on and… WHOOSH! SPLAT!… going off the roofs.

I love the idea of the kid who’s stupid enough to think he actually is Superman, but smart enough to check that box before he goes off the roof. “Let me see if it says anything about me being Superman… Oh, wait a second here…”

So, anyway, my hopes were up. I was thinking that this is probably
the same exact costume that Superman wears himself. When you put these things on, it’s not exactly the super fit that you are hoping for.
It looks more like Superman’s pyjamas. That’s what it looks like. It’s all kind of loose and flowing. The neck line kinda comes down about there… Flimsy little ribbon string in the back…

Plus, my mother makes me wear my winter coat over the costume anyway.
I don’t recall Superman wearing a jacket. Not like I had… Cheap corduroy… Phony fur… “Boy, I’m Superman but it’s a little chilly out and I’m glad I have this cheap little 10-year old kid’s jacket.”

So I’m going out trick-or-treating but the mask’s rubber band keeps breaking and keeps getting shorter. I’m fixing it, but it’s getting tighter and tighter on my face. You know, when it starts slicing into your eyeballs there and you’re trying to breathe through that little hole, getting all sweaty.

“I can’t see, I can’t breathe, but we gotta keep going! We gotta get the candy!”

And half an hour into it, you just take the mask off. “Oh, the hell with it!” Bing-bong! “Yeah, it’s me, give me the candy. Yeah, I’m Superman, look at the pants legs, what do you care?”

Remember those last couple of years of trick-or-treating. You’re getting a little too old for it. Still out there, going through the motions… Bing-bong! “Come on lady, let’s go. Halloween, doorbells, candy, let’s pick it up…”

They come to the door. They always ask you the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?”

“I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the three musketeers? I got 18 houses on this block, Sweetheart. Just hit the bag, we hit the road. That’s the way it works.”

Sometimes they have that little white bag twisted on the top. You know that’s gonna be some crap candy. It doesn’t have the official Halloween markings on it.

“Hold it, lady. Wait a second. What is this? The orange marshmallow shaped like a peanut… Do me a favor, you keep that one. We have all the doorstops we need already. Thank you. We’re going for name candy only this year.”