Thought of the Day

Scary thoughts of the day. This is where we ponder the disturbing, unsettling and downright paranoid ideas that creep into our heads every day. Some may find it inspirational and others might find it demotivational. As the great philosopher Kurt Cobain once said: Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not after you.

1. What if every spider you’ve ever killed thought that it was living WITH you, and was suddenly surprised that it’s crazy roommate had suddenly flown off the handle and violently murdered it? What if every spider you killed died screaming, “Nooooo! I thought we were friends…”

2. What if life was like a 1990s teenage horror novel and you moved to a new town and you were the new girl in school and you met two cute guys and one was named Chad and the other was called Brad and you had to figure out which of them you should date and which of them was secretly planning to murder you…

3. What if birds aren’t really singing, and they’re actually screaming because they’re afraid of heights…

4. What if you were living with your parents and one day, you noticed that they were slowly replacing all the photos of you in the house with pictures of Matt Damon and the next day, there was a knock on the door and when you answered it, Matt Damon was standing there and he was acting all surprised to see you and then your parents came home and took Matt Damon into the kitchen and they started having a heated discussion in hushed voices and you couldn’t hear what they were saying and your dad came out and he had a scowl on his face and he was like, “Get in the car. I’m taking you to school.” and you were all like, “Dad, it’s Sunday. There’s no school on Sunday.” and he’s like “GET IN THE CAR…”

5. What if ice cubes are just slowly dying and floating around in their own blood…

6. What if when relationships aren’t working out, instead of breaking up with each other, people just killed each other instead. What if you came home one night and you walked into your apartment and there was plastic sheeting all over the floor and you turned around and your boyfriend was standing behind the door wearing a raincoat and holding an axe and saying, “Sorry babe, it’s not you, it’s me…”

7. What if your bellybutton screamed every time you put on a shirt because it was afraid of the dark…

8. What if dogs have a secret language and we just don’t understand them and every time they Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! it actually means something and you spent all your life studying the language of dogs and eventually you figured it out and you discovered that dogs just keep repeating over and over Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!

9. What if soda cans were alive an every time you took one out of the pack and opened it, you were really just snapping its neck and drinking its blood in front of its family members…

10. What if dying in a dream meant you died in real life and most people had pleasant, relaxing dreams, but you were one of the unlucky ones and every night, you had horrible nightmares where you had to desperately fight to survive…

11. What if you were walking down the street one day and your head suddenly fell off your shoulders and landed in front of you and it started screaming in terror because there was a headless person standing in front of it…

12. What if, when you’re about to die, your life flashes before your eyes, but from your point of view it plays in real time, so you have to sit there and watch it all from the very beginning…

13. What if we actually became what we ate and we never knew if we were eating a slice of bread or our aunt who went missing after yesterday’s breakfast…

14. What if. When you were reading, something your brain? obeyed instructions set! by arbitrary punctuation marks and – dots and dashes even (if they) didn’t make any; sense

15. What if whales didn’t need to live in the ocean and they just dragged themselves along the ground and we had to deal with enormous whales wandering about the countryside and crushing everything in their path…

16. What if trees cried when you ate their fruit because their fruit was actually their babies and every time you ate an apple, you were actually devouring a tree baby…

17. What if the asteroid that scientists say hit the earth millions of years ago and killed all the dinosaurs was actually a UFO… and we’re the aliens who were inside…

18. What if you wanted to be an actor and your dream was to star in an action movie and you went to a fortune teller and she told you your dream was going to come true very soon and one day, you were on holiday with your family at the seaside and you were swimming in the ocean and suddenly you were attacked by a shark and it chewed you up and swallowed you and the sea was red with your blood and some people on the beach had their phones with them and they captured your untimely demise on video from multiple angles and they sold the footage to news stations and your gruesome death was broadcast all over the world and you became famous, posthumously…

19. What if, when you go to sleep, you’re actually dying and every time you wake up, you’re actually returning from the dead…

20. What if the reason we all cry when chopping up onions is because onions were once the abusive, dominant race on our planet many millennium ago, and we all cry in fear whenever we see them…

21. What if our faces were made of skin and bones but some were considered attractive and others were considered ugly…

22. What if you were eating a sandwich and the sandwich suddenly started eating you…

23. What if you had leg pit hair… like the hair under your armpits except it’s behind your knees…

24. What if every time you forget something it’s actually the little man in your head hitting the backspace key…

25. What if the reason we can’t walk through mirrors is that our reflection blocks us. What if they are protecting us. What if they know the other side is horrifying and they are trying to keep us from ever crossing over. What if we’re on the wrong side of the mirror. What if we are the reflections…

26. What if you grew a body part for every year you were alive and instead of being born with all your body parts, you just slowly grew them over time and once you reach a certain age, you have all the necessary body parts, so you start growing extra stuff, like kickstands and cupholders…

27. What if you had a baby and you wore a horse mask every day and never took it off and your child grew up thinking you were some sort of half-horse half-human hybrid and then one day, you suddenly removed the mask…

28. What if everyone in the world had a clock that counted down the time until they die. What if you start messing around with your clock one day and it said 70 years, but you did something wrong and now it says 10 minutes left and you’re frantically trying to figure out what went wrong before you run out of time…

29. What if you were down in the basement one day and you heard an explosion and you heard screaming and you rushed upstairs to see what was wrong and you found your brother’s decapitated body laying on the floor and you saw his severed head laying on the table and it was crying and you asked what happened and he said, “I sneezed and farted at the same time.”

30. What if humans have hidden cheat codes like computer games and one day you jumped up in the air 14 times, punched 3 times and kicked 6 times and all of a sudden there was an explosion and everyone in a 10 meter radius was killed…

31. What if human beings shed their skin every winter and walked around as skeletons and trees had to rake discarded skin off their lawns…

32. What if you looked under your bed and Ronald McDonald was just lying down there grinning up at you…

33. What if all cats could understand us when we speak, but they don’t say anything because they don’t want us to know. What if they get on the internet at night and read everything we write. What if the cats are reading this right now and they know I am on to them. What if they are coming to silence me…

34. What if people had food names and food had people names…
“Hey Spaghetti! It’s time for dinner!”
“What are we having?”
“We’re having fried Margaret.”

35. What if human beings were like caterpillars and on your 17th birthday, you started building a cocoon around yourself and you stayed inside it for a year and on your 18th birthday, you suddenly burst out and you had transformed into some kind of mutant flying monster…

36. What if every bathroom in the world had two-way mirrors and every time you went to the toilet, there was someone standing behind the mirror watching you and taking notes on a clipboard and grading you on performance and technique…

37. Hey, have you guys ever realized… at some point in our evolutionary history… the human brain named itself…

38. Have you ever considered that knocking on a person’s front door is the same as punching their house until they let you in?

39. What if other people see our faces differently from how we see them when we look in the mirror and we think we look hot, but when other people look at us, they see a hideously deformed monster staring back at them…

40. What if you were on the internet and you scrolled past one of those posts that says “Like if you love God, scroll down if you love satan” and the next day you get a call on your phone from an unknown number and when you answer it, the deep booming voice on the other end says, “So, I hear you’re in love with me…”

41. What if, when you were asleep, your parents took everything in the house and moved it five inches to the left and when you woke up, you didn’t notice because it wasn’t obvious and you felt that something was wrong, but you couldn’t figure out what it was and you kept bumping into the corners of couches and tables…

42. If you think about it, at Halloween, when we are carving pumpkins, it’s really grotesque. We are really kidnapping the pumpkins, stabbing them with a knife and torturing them before we remove their insides.

43. What if, when we can’t sleep at night, it’s because something is making the silence loud enough to scare our brains?

44. What if every dream you ever had was something that actually happened to another you in a parallel universe…

45. What if food screamed when you ate it… Like you are chowing down on a Big Mac and it’s like, “No Dude, please, I’m begging you… Don’t do it… AAAAAAARRRGH!”

46. Did you know that when bananas are rotting, they secrete a substance that makes other fruit near them rot faster? As they are dying, they are killing the other fruit around them. It’s like the bananas are committing murder-suicide.

47. What if you were lying next to the person you love, but they didn’t know you were in love with them and they didn’t know you had broken into their house again…

48. If you think about it, going to a birthday party, singing Happy Birthday and cutting the cake is like a satantic ritual. There is a small gathering of people, all huddled around an object that is on fire, chanting in unison until the fire is extinguished and the object is stabbed and dismembered…

49. What if you put a pizza in the oven and then you heard the sound of moaning but you couldn’t figure out where it was coming from and then as the oven heated up, you heard the sound of screaming, so you took a peek and saw that the pizza had a face and it was crying and in severe pain and it mumbled, “I will be avenged!” before it died and you didn’t really feel like eating pizza after that…

50. What if some of the toys in the Toy Story movies died… The kids would keep playing with them like normal, but the other toys would be forced to play with the corpses of their dead friends…

51. They say that most of the canned laughter you hear on TV shows nowadays was actually recorded in the 1950s. That means whenever you’re watching a sitcom, you’re actually hearing dead people laugh at it…

52. What if there was a zombie apocalypse and the zombies won and then one day you went to McDonalds and ordered something and the dude behind the counter asked you, “Do you want brains with that?”

53. What if we are all just poop machines and our purpose in life is to make poop and we go to work because we need to make money to buy food and eat it and turn it into poop and we have kids because we need to create extra poop machines to help us increase our production of poop and whoever creates the most poop before they die wins the game…

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