Denko

Denko is the funny and true story of a stalker. In 2011, a young guy in college started posting messages on the Japanese message board, 2Channel, asking for relationship advice. He claimed that he had a girlfriend named Denko and she wasn’t responding to his emails. It soon became apparent that he was stalking the girl and she wanted nothing to do with him. Read the transcript, it’s hilarious. (OP means Original Poster and 2CH are the people replying to him.)

Denko part 1 – [Help!] The Girl I Like Won’t Respond to My Emails (´･ω･`)

#OP: There’s this girl I’ve had feelings for since high school and now we’re in college together. We’ll call her Denko. Once we hit second year, we went out drinking, and I worked up the courage to exchange numbers. We started out talking often, but she hasn’t answered me in three days now. I’m getting depressed just thinking that Denko might be sick or that something happened to her. Please, somebody give me some advice. (´･ω･`)

#2ch: SHE DOESN’T LIKE YOU. GIVE IT UP.

#2ch: Maybe it’s because email is a pain in the butt.

#OP: Well, I called her too in case she was sick or something happened…Maybe this last email I sent did something to hurt Denko’s feelings? Give me your opinion here:

I’m begging you, I need advice! I haven’t slept for an entire day… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: Just hypothetically, what would you think if you got an email like that from an ugly girl you didn’t have any interest in?

#OP: Umm… Well, I wouldn’t like it. But I’ve had my eye on Denko since high school, and… I don’t know how to say it, but I think it might be mutual… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: I’m pretty sure she hates you and is too shy to say it… To be perfectly honest, your emails sound incredibly shifty.

#OP: Sorry, I haven’t had much experience talking to girls… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: So you got responses before? What kind of emails are you sending? This could be, you know, interesting…

#OP: well, I’m worried about her lack of replies, so I’ve sent her around 600 emails. They’re mostly reports on my current mental state, I guess… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: Sending 600 emails? How spammy can you get… (゜д゜)

#OP: Don’t make fun of me, okay! I don’t have any friends, so you’re the only people I can ask about this! 600 emails and still no reply, so I’m really thinking something might have happened to her… And I really don’t think there’s anything in them that would displease her. They’re all like this:

Maybe they’re a bit too random? (´･ω･`)

#2ch: He admits he doesn’t have any friends… He oozes human filth right down to his emoticons… And sending 600 emails in three days is stalker-level creepy…

#OP: Alright, alright, maybe people think I’m creepy! But even so, I’m really, honestly in love with this girl! You understand, right? I’ll try not to be so creepy about it from now on! So please, give me advice on how to get Denko to respond! (´･ω･`)

#2ch: You seriously sent 600 emails in three days? LOL

#OP: Well, I think it was only around 50 the first two days… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: Why would she respond if she was dumping you? Try calling her. That should at least get her attention.

#OP: Alright, I’ll try calling her. But I’m awful at talking, so give me something to talk about. (´･ω･`)

#2ch: I want to see what your conversations were like when you got replies.

#OP: Like this:

I’M CALLING HER NOW! (´･ω･`)

#2ch: Run for your life, Denko!!

#OP: Oh God, I was so nervous I panicked and hung up on her (´；ω；`)

#2ch: The cherry blossoms! Invite her to go see the cherry blossoms, OP!!!

#OP: Okay, I’ll do that! I’m too tense to use the phone right now, so I’ll send her an email. I’ve never been so nervous about talking to somebody aaaaaUUUUUGH (´･ω･`)

#2ch: Oh for the love of… apologize for hanging up. This’ll be your last chance.

#OP: I sent her an email saying I knew I shouldn’t have hung up and my heart just wasn’t ready… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: God damn, I’ve never seen such a revolting sack of crap. I’ve got a good idea of why you can’t get Denko, or any friends, period! I’m guessing you’ve been bullied all your life?

#OP: I was bullied in grade school, but I’ve been fine since college. (´･ω･`)

#2ch: This emoticon (´･ω･`) is starting to piss me off.

#2ch: This should go down as one of the most terrifying incidents to occur on 2chan.

#2ch: Here you go, OP… “1. What classes are you taking? 2. I’m bored. Can we go see the cherry blossoms at night?”

#OP: Oh! You must be popular, huh? Okay, I’m going to try calling again with that. My armpits are sweating real bad, though… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: I had a stalker once too, but it’s even scarier to think he had the same thought processes as this guy. 600 emails? You gotta be trolling. Please tell me that’s a troll.

#OP: I TALKED TO DENKO! And I invited her to see the cherry blossoms! Apparently her schedule was packed at work, so she said some other time! Oh well, still good news! Gotta buy some clothes now… Hurry hurry… I accidentally told her about how I was sweating really bad, haha… And she said she was sorry she was too busy to reply to my emails. For now, I’m glad Denko is safe. I was worried what might happen since I’m so bad at talking to girls, but I guess I managed… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: You’re serious? She said some other time!

#2ch: WHY ARE YOU GOING CLOTHES SHOPPING IF YOU GOT REJECTED? There is such a thing as being TOO OPTIMISTIC!!

#2ch: “Some other time” means “Never talk to me again you creep”… She hates you, no doubt. Oh, OP… If this isn’t a troll, please, give this up now.

#OP: Are you guys trying to trick me since I don’t have much experience with girls? I’m wondering when I should send another email… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: What were your meetings with Denko like? What made you fall for her?

#OP: Denko helped me out when I was being badly bullied in high school. Denko is smart and kind, so she was like everyone’s role model. When I sat next to her in class, I often borrowed her notebooks and erasers and we became friends. We made eye contact a lot in class, too… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: That’s probably because you were the one looking, you creep. Absolutely despicable. After 600 emails, even if she DID like you before, you’ve ruined it.

#OP: I SENT 600 EMAILS BECAUSE THERE WAS A CHANCE SOMETHING HAPPENED AND I WAS WORRIED. Anyway, I just got a reply!! I’m kind of scared to read it, haha… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: You’re hopeless. Find out where she lives and where she works. Girls love overbearing go-getter type guys. Do this if you can: Follow her to her work, her house, and her classes every day.

#OP: That’s just being a stalker. I don’t want Denko to hate me… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: I know I’d hate you.

#2ch: Serious post here. If you don’t get a reply after three times, stop. If she’s making excuses about work and being busy, she really doesn’t like you. She’s only not saying it because she thinks it would hurt you. Getting 600 emails from a guy who isn’t even her boyfriend is no doubt going to scare her. Denko is probably a very nice girl and doesn’t want to admit it. There are people out there who just can’t be blunt. So stop it, please.

#2ch: Even from a boyfriend, 600 emails in three days would be scary.

#2ch: Giving girls small animals as presents makes them most happy. Stuff thirty hamsters in a box and send them to her house. She’ll be so surprised she’ll fall for you in a flash! So yeah, I think a thirty-hamster present would be good.

#2ch: Also, girls love to get clothes. The price of the clothes and the girl’s attraction to you are directly proportional.

#OP: Oh geez, I don’t think I could afford that… Anyway, we’re making plans for four of us to get together! I’m so grateful! And so tense! Oh my god… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: What clothes do you own?

#OP: Plain shirts I wore in high school, and some denim shorts my mom bought me. Also, I wear sweatjackets a lot. (´･ω･`)

#2ch: OP’s a super cool guy. His girl’s just shy. It’s true love, man.

#OP: Here is her reply:

BTW my older brother is a former actor. What do you think? (´･ω･`)

#2ch: I was wondering this whole time why Denko didn’t reject the OP, but now I think I know.

#OP: Looks like we’re going drinking tomorrow! Gotta buy clothes now… Would a striped suit and a necktie be safe? I’m gonna go buy a striped suit. (´･ω･`)

#2ch: Didn’t she say she was busy? Don’t you find it weird that she’s suddenly free tomorrow?

#OP: Well, she’s free in the evening, and cherry blossoms would be in the day, so it’s possible… Do you think I should bring a present? Tell me what would make girls happy… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: No, no presents. If you bring a present every time, Denko will just think you’re her personal ATM. Don’t do it, for the future of both you and Denko.

#OP: I see… So not even a picture of a small animal? (´･ω･`)

#2ch: A picture? Don’t be silly… Feeling the warmth of a little creature is what makes a woman’s heart tremble. Buy hamsters. Nothing but hamsters. Then stuff them in a box, of course.

#2ch: OP, girls love sweet things too. So once you’ve got your hamsters packed into a box, sprinkle the hamsters with about 10 kg of sugar until they’re hidden.
1. Girl opens box and sees nothing but sugar.
2. Hamster suddenly leaps out of sugar.
3. Girl is surprised! But hamsters are cute. Heart!
4. Girl thinks you are so clever. Love! Heart!
Got it? Get to it, OP!

#OP: Well, I emailed Denko saying I wasn’t able to get a hold of my brother. Nothing to really report while I’m waiting for her reply… ALSO YOU GUYS CALLING ME CREEPY AND HOPELESS ARE REALLY MAKING ME LOSE CONFIDENCE. (´･ω･`)

#2ch: You had confidence before?

#2ch: Reading this thread reminds me that there are actually people like this out there. It also reassures me that I’m doing just fine.

#OP: Still no reply, so I’m going to send another one. (´･ω･`)

#2ch: You’re being a pest if you send more than three emails without a reply. Also, you should learn how to have a proper conversation. Stop trying to push yourself and listen to her more.

#OP: What should I ask? I’ve never talked with girls. I don’t know what I should talk about… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: You’ve got a completely wrong idea of what “listen” means. “Listening” is not “questioning.” What he was trying to say is that you shouldn’t talk about yourself, just listen to what she says. Also, I said it before, but just be mature and wait if there’s no reply. Patience, man.

#OP: Well, I told Denko to email me when she has the time. Also, I invited her to just have three of us go if my brother can’t come. (´･ω･`)

#2ch: His brother is definitely looking like the real target here…

#OP: Reading all these responses again, I realize it’s like 70% abuse and 30% advice… I knew I was getting teased for not having any romantic experience, but I didn’t quite realize it was that bad… It’s a bit of a shock… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: Screw all of you guys. OP’s persistence should be praised. Sending massive amounts of emails out of worry! Buying clothes to improve his appearance! I say try even harder! Why settle for 600 emails? Why not send 1000 emails a day? Girls love men who worry about them!

#OP: Oh! A serious reply at last! Yes, I’ll try my hardest! Thanks for the uplifting comments! Oh, since you guys call me creepy and scary, I’m wondering if I should send an email asking if I’m scary… Do people send emails like that? (´･ω･`)

#2ch: I guess, maybe… If you don’t at least ask, you might not be able to face each other. Give it a shot.

#OP: I sent it. Can’t wait for the reply… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: Let’s think about this sensibly. If I heard an email alert going off several hundred times a day, I’d probably call the police.

#OP: Well, I’d be happy if I got that many emails from her… Still no reply… What do I do? I’m getting worried… But everyone seems to say I should let her send emails to me and just reply to those. It’s really irritating, though. What makes girls happy? (´･ω･`)

#2ch: You not emailing her would be great!

#OP: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. You’re all so experienced with love, maybe that’s why you don’t understand how I feel… I got an email from Denko! She said: “Maybe a little scary”… Only a little is okay, right? I want to make sure there’s no misunderstanding… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: If you want to clear up any misunderstanding, send another email. “Sorry to scare you, Denko. But don’t misunderstand. I just want to be friends.” Keep sending emails like that. You’ve already sent over 600, so at this point, only sending one would make you look insincere. So send at least twenty. Even that might be too few.

#OP: What exactly is scaring her, though? I’m doing the best I can, but I don’t want to be called scary, not even “maybe a little” scary… It’s really annoying me… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: Even if she doesn’t want to say it, you’re scary.

#OP: Yikes… Am I really that bad…? It’s not like I want to punch people or kill people out of love for Denko, right? Please, tell me something I can say to make her happy and not cause any misunderstandings. (´･ω･`)

#2ch: How about the new teriyaki burger at McDonald’s?

#OP: Okay, thanks! I just asked “Do you know if the new teriyaki burger at McDonald’s is good?” If I can really clear up misunderstandings by emailing Denko stuff like that, then my mood might start to turn around… So many people have called me scary that I feel traumatized… But all right, I’ll be careful not to send any more aggressive emails. Thanks for the advice!! You guys are so experienced, haha… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: I don’t think this has anything to do with experience. Man, poor Denko.

#2ch: Experienced or not, I can’t comprehend how you don’t get things that everyone should know.

#2ch: Whoa, man, think about it! You’ve sent 600 emails to Denko. But all of a sudden, you just send one. Wouldn’t that make her uneasy? If you don’t want to upset Denko, send more!

#2ch: I’m kind of figuring the OP has played a lot of computer game dating simulations and such.

#OP: Yes, you hit the bullseye. I really have no clue how to handle three-dimensional women. It’s so easy to confess your love in games, but so hard in three dimensions… Now I know that all too well… I’m starting to feel like it might be best for me to wholeheartedly confess my feelings to Denko. (´･ω･`)

#2ch: It’s best that this ends soon. Do it and be done with it.

#2ch: Geez, we told you not to be so forward… But, maybe you should be more thoroughly crushed…

#OP: My hands are shaking at the idea of a confessing my love in an email… This might be a tough hurdle to overcome… I’m trying to think about what to write, but other than “I love you,” I’m drawing a blank… (´･ω･`)

#OP: To Denko, Thinking back on it now, our meeting was like a cherry blossom blooming in high school. And now, it’s spring again just the same. Before I met you, Denko, I felt like I was in a cold winter. But in the spring, you put a bud in my heart that would bloom into a great flower. It’s been so long since we were in high school together, but my feelings are just the same as they were that spring. You’ve helped me when I was bullied, haven’t you, Denko? Back then, I thought, “This girl is an angel. Why does she not have wings?” I suppose you must have left them in your mother’s stomach… Even when we met our eyes, I didn’t have the courage. And we could never talk to each other. But now, I am different! Denko, I know you may not want to marry me yet, but please, at least go out with me! (´･ω･`)

#OP: Well? (´･ω･`)

#2ch: SOUNDS GOOD TO ME

#2ch: Perfection. Nothing can be done to improve it.

#2ch: This is worse than the love letter I wrote in fifth grade.

#2ch: I don’t even…

#OP: Well, I sent it. Normally I’m very shy, but today, with all of your encouragement, I’ve confessed. If Denko and I start dating, I hope we can read this thread and laugh about it together… Also, since I wanted to increase my chances, I added that no matter what happens, I won’t give up on her. (´･ω･`)

#2ch: oh God holy geez what in the…? STOP. Your chances at dating her remain ZERO! Jesus, man.

#OP: I GOT A REPLY FROM DENKO!! I’m too scared to even open it. I guess now I know why everyone said I was scary… This is making me super tense… I’m sweating so much I had to go and wash my face so I can look at it calmly… I think I might just have a heart attack… (´･ω･`)

#OP: Um, she said “Sure”… (´･ω･`)

#OP: Is this okay? Really? I’m so happy I could cry… This is okay, right? I’m so stunned, I need your opinion… (´･ω･`)

#OP: She followed it up with “Don’t email me anymore.” What’s this? I thought I knew her feelings… Maybe dating was too sudden? It’s hard for me to tell what girls are trying to get at… Is there someone else? Is this the fickle heart of a woman at work??? What’s the intent of this email? Someone interpret it… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: Maybe “sure” was in reply to the McDonald’s teriyaki burger, so “don’t email me anymore” was in reply to the confession. Which means you’re not dating.

#2ch: I like this interpretation.

#2ch: Well, let’s see… “Your emails are freaking me out… You’re an annoyance… Please don’t send any more emails.”… That seems about right.

#OP: If I’m understanding the situation right, I asked if we could date, and she replied selfishly to test me as a man? But I mean, suddenly asking not to email her is REALLY selfish… Maybe I should wait until her anger has settled? Or should I try to calm her down? (´･ω･`)

#2ch: No. Stop. You’re not dating. You asked “let’s date,” and she replied “don’t email me anymore.”

#OP: Okay, I’ll call her then. Calling now. (´･ω･`)

#OP: Nope, it’s busy. I guess she’s talking with someone… I’ll wait a bit… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: oh god! OBVIOUSLY SHE’S TELLING HER FRIENDS ABOUT HER NEW BOYFRIEND!

#2ch: Bingo! You, sir, know the heart of a woman well.

#2ch: No doubt she’s waiting for you to call. Try calling back once every minute.

#OP: I’m redialing as fast as I can! Once I get a hold of her, I’ll ask her if she wants to go to McDonald’s to have a teriyaki burger. Then I’ll ask why she’s mad. Anything else I should talk to her about? (´･ω･`)

#OP: No good, she’s still talking… I really feel like she’s mad at me all of a sudden… I’ll keep calling until she answers! (´･ω･`)

#2ch: I’m really starting to read the “Help!” in the title as Denko screaming.

#OP: She’s not answering. Maybe she’s gotten wrapped up in some kind of incident? What should I do… (´･ω･`)

#2ch: Spoilers: Denko is wrapped up in an incident, alright. A stalking incident.

#OP: Maybe I should go to her house. If we’re dating, then it’s not stalking, right?! I’m so lost… Maybe she’s testing me to see if I would come to save her if something happened? (´･ω･`)

#2ch: We’ve got a Sherlock Holmes on our hands.

#OP: Make up your minds already! Making me overthink this isn’t going to do any good… I’m going to get ready so I can leave anytime… (´･ω･`)

#OP: Okay, okay! I’ll go!! If she’s safe, then it’ll be fine! It’s about 30 minutes to her house, so I’ll take my bicycle. Thanks for the advice! Back later! (´･ω･`)

#OP: Sorry I’m late. I just got back… I hurried to Denko’s house and rang the doorbell. Denko’s mother answered the door and said Denko was out of the house. I introduced myself and told her I was going out with Denko, so she said “If you want, you can wait and have some tea until Denko gets back.” So then I waited for Denko at her house with her mom… (´･ω･`)

#OP: I spent hours talking with Denko’s mother about Denko in high school and her personality and such, but she didn’t come home. Denko’s mother called her cellphone a bunch of times, but she couldn’t get through. It was getting late and she told me “I’ll give you a call when Denko comes home,” so I went home. Apparently Denko is out having fun, but I’m relieved to hear she’s OK. So now I’m just waiting for a call to let me know Denko came home. (´･ω･`)

#OP: It looks like Denko still isn’t back… If the thread’s still here when she gets back, I’ll report in… (´･ω･`)

The story continues in Denko Part 2



The Denko Series:
Denko 1 [Help!] The Girl I Like Won’t Respond to My Emails (´･ω･`)
Denko 2 [Help!] I Can’t Contact My Girlfriend (´･ω･`)
Denko 3 [Help!] The Girl I’m Dating Isn’t My Girlfriend Anymore (´･ω･`)
Denko 4 [Help!] My Girlfriend Is Testing Me (´･ω･`)
Denko 5 [Help!] I’m Not Sure Who I Like Anymore (´･ω･`)