Halloween Jokes

Funny Halloween jokes and riddles for kids and adults. There are a lot of funny stories and one-liners to keep you laughing here. In fact, you could say there’s skeleTONS of them…

A teacher posed a question to her class. “If I have 4 apples, how can I divide them equally among 5 children?” One boy raised his hand and answered, “Kill one of the children.”

There’s a serial killer on the loose. He murdered 4 people and laid them out in the shape of a square. Then he then killed 3 more people and laid them out in the shape of a triangle. The police suspect there’s a pattern emerging.

Two Zombies were eating a clown. One zombie turned to the other and asked, “Does this taste funny to you?”

A man moved into a haunted house. Every night, the ghosts would keep him awake by moaning and groaning and moving the furniture around. Eventually, the man got fed up and asked a priest to come and do an exorcism. The priest recited some prayers and sprinkled holy water around the house. The man thanked the priest for all his help, but he didn’t have any money to pay him. “I’m going to send you a bill,” the priest said. “If you don’t pay it, I’ll have to re-possess your house.”

If there’s ever a zombie outbreak, I hope it happens in Las Vegas because you know what they say… “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”.

A young boy knocked on the door and said “Trick or Treat?” “What have you come as?” the old woman asked.
“A werewolf,” said the boy.
“But you haven’t got a costume on,” said the old lady. “You’re just in your normal clothes.”
The boy replied, “Well it’s not a full moon yet.”

A man was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live. Suddenly, he smelled something. It was the smell of his wife’s cooking. So the terminally ill man pulled himself out of bed and crawled down the hallway. When he got to the kitchen, he saw his wife. There she was, removing a fresh batch of cookies from the oven. His mouth was watering. As he crawled over and reached for one, his wife smacked him on the head with a wooden spoon and said, “Leave them alone! They’re for your funeral.”

Did you hear that Goldilocks was strangled to death last night? Police say the killer did it with his BEAR hands.

Q: What did the zombie say when he walked into the wrong tomb?
A: “I have made a grave mistake!”

A man owned a horse and it was his prized posession. One day, the horse kicked the man’s wife to death. A large crowd turned out for the funeral. Most of them were men. The priest turned to the man and remarked, “Your wife must have been a very popular woman.” The man replied, “Not really. Most of them are here to bid on the horse.”

Q: Did you hear about the scientist who was attacked by a zombie at the North Pole?
A: He got frost bite.

Lawyer: Madam, can you tell the court why you shot your husband with bow and arrow?
Wife: Well… I didn’t want to wake up the children.

A zombie was getting fat, so his doctor put him on a diet. It was a no-brainer.

A serial killer escaped from jail on a Sunday. He went straight to a church and killed everyone inside. He was a mass murderer.

Did you hear about the blind man who read a horror novel in braille? He knew when something scary was about to happen because he could feel it.

I was thinking about going as a band-aid for Halloween… But I decided against it. It would have been too hard to pull off.

Did you hear the story about the scary cow? It was terror-bull.

Man, it’s hectic out there. I’ve killed like 6 zombies already. How’s everyone else holding up? Anyone know why they’re all carrying bags of candy?

A guy walks into a library and asked the librarian, “Can I borrow a book on suicide?” The librarian stopped what she was doing, looked at him and said, “No. You won’t bring it back!”

Q: Why did the girl start dating a zombie?
A: She wanted to meet a man who liked her for her brains.

Q: Did you hear about the serial killer who came out of retirement?
A: He wanted to take another stab at it.

Q: Why did nobody laugh when the skeleton told a joke?
A: It wasn’t humerus.

Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who had dandruff?
A: Police found a head & shoulders in his bathroom.

Q: Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A: Dayscare centers.

Q: What happened to the cannibal who turned up late for dinner?
A: He got the cold shoulder!

Q: Why did the zombie kid stay home from school?
A: He was feeling rotten!

Q: Why was the skeleton scared of everything?
A: He didn’t have any guts!

Q: Why did the skeleton show up at the Halloween dance alone?
A: He had no BODY to go with.

Q: What is a serial killer’s favourite month of the year?
A: Dismember.

Q: Did you hear about the beautiful corpse?
A: She was drop dead gore-geous.

Q: What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A: A plumpkin.

Q: What do you call a zombie who can run very fast?
A: A zoombie.

Q. Why do cemeteries have high walls around them?
A. Because people are dying to get in.

Q: What do you call a serial killer that rides a bike?
A: A Cycle-path

Q: Did you hear about the girl who went out on a date with a boy and ate him?
A: She was his ghoul-friend!

Boy: “Mom, the kids at school say I look like a werewolf.”
Mom: “Shut up and comb your face.”

Q: Did you hear about the serial killer who was actually quite sensitive?
A: He wore other people’s hearts on his sleeve.

Q: What kind of dessert do ghosts like?
A: I-scream!

Q: What does a skeleton say before dinner?
A: Bone appetit!

I just watched a movie where a serial killer murders people then cooks their dead bodies… It was a heartwarming story from start to finish!

Q: What was the ghost’s favorite Shakespearian play?
A: Romeo and Ghouliet.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Why wasn’t the ghost invited to his family reunion?
A: He was the black sheet of the family.

Q: What do you call a dead cat that comes back to life?
A: Hello Again Kitty.

Q: Why are skeletons so mean?
A: They don’t have a heart.

Q: What did the ghost say to the other ghost?
A: Do you believe in humans?

Q. What does a Mummy listen to on his iPod?
A. Wrap music.

Q. Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A. Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend!

Q. What kind of beans do monsters like to eat?
A. Human beans.

Q. What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A. A sand-witch.

Q. A ghost walked into a bar. What did he order?
A. Boos.

Q. What kind of streets do zombies live on?
A. Dead-ends.

Q. What is a vampire’s favorite holiday?
A. Fangsgiving

Q. Why did the girl break up with her vampire boyfriend?
A. He was a pain in the neck.

Q. Riddle: The man who makes it cannot keep it, the man who buys it cannot use it, the man who uses it cannot see it. What is it?
A. A coffin.

Q. Why do witches ride on broomsticks?
A. Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord.

Q. What do you call a witch’s garage?
A. A broom closet.

Q. Why did the man with a knife in his head cross the street?
A. He was dying to get to the other side!!

Q. What do you call someone who sneaks into people’s houses and poisons the cornflakes?
A. A cereal killer.

Q. What did the teenage witch ask her mother on Halloween?
A. “Can I have the keys to the broom tonight?”

Q. What is a serial killer’s favorite fast food restaurant?
A. Murder King.

Q. Where do vampires keep their money?
A: The blood bank!!!

Two monsters were at a Halloween party. “A lady just rolled her eyes at me,” said one monster. “What should I do?” The other one replied, “Be a gentleman and roll them back at her.”

Q: What is Dracula’s favorite circus act?
A: He always goes for the juggler!

Q. What kind of girl does a zombie take on a date?
A. Any girl he can dig up.

Q. What did the werewolf eat after he’d had his teeth cleaned?
A. The dentist.

Q. Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
A. He wanted a spare rib.

Q: How can you tell if you’ve been bitten by a vampire?
A: Drink a glass of water and see if your neck leaks.

Did you hear about the zombie whose left leg and left arm fell off?
He’s all right now!

A skeleton walked into a bar and said, “I’m going to need a beer and a mop.”

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.

What did the cannibal do when he saw an “All you can eat” restaurant?
He ate all of the waiters and waitresses.

What is a cannibal’s favorite type of TV show?
A celebrity roast.

What do you call a goblin with a broken leg?
A hoblin goblin.

What goes “Ha-ha-ha…Ha-ha-ha… THUD!”?
A zombie laughing his head off.