Rules of Survival

There are certain rules of survival in horror movies. The movie Scream had some rules, but they weren’t very useful. Our rules are much better and teach you exactly how to survive a horror movie.

1. Don’t walk around saying “Hello?” like the killer is going to reply “Yeah I’m in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?”

2. If someone says “Oh yeah, that’s the house where Old Man Jenkins was murdered” then it’s time to move house.

3. If your friend gets bitten by a zombie and says “Maybe I wont turn into one”, kill him. Better safe than sorry.

4. Upstairs? Bad idea. Outside? Don’t go there. Phone? Never works. Gun? Don’t drop it. Car? Won’t start. Neighbors? Never home. Police? Always die.

5. If something licks your hand in the darkness, it’s not your dog. Your dog is dead.

6. Stay away from places like Amityville, Haddonfield, Camp Crystal Lake, Elm Street and the entire state of Maine.

7. If you’re running around completely naked, you might as well just murder yourself.

8. If you are black, you will be the first to die. I don’t know why, but for some reason, in horror movies, black people always get killed first.

9. If you are annoying or a wise-ass, you will die before the black guy.

10. If you are a hot blond girl with big boobs, you will die before the annoying guy and the black guy.

11. If you open the door and there is a man standing there, holding an axe, he didn’t come to chop firewood.

12. Never go to the toilet alone. If needs be, poop your pants. It’s much safer.

13. If you see a clown, RUN. That clown isn’t hanging around to make you some balloon animals!

14. Leave slow or clumsy friends behind. Every man for himself. Somebody’s got to live to tell the story.

15. Don’t split up and look for clues. Everything you learned from Scooby-Doo is wrong.

16. You know that creepy clown statue upstairs that is freaking you out? Well it’s not a statue.

17. Never say “I’ll be right back” because you won’t be right back.

18. When you’re walking around a spooky old house, at least try turning the lights on!

19. If you’re running from the killer, you’re going to trip and fall down at least twice. More if you’re a girl.

20. If you trip and fall, don’t lay there with the “Ow it hurts” face. Get up and continue running!

21. If the killer is chasing you, you don’t have to run fast. Just faster than your friends.

22. No matter how fast you run, the killer will always be right behind or in front of you, despite the fact that he is shuffling along at a slower and more dramatic pace.

23. On a stormy night, you will find an open window that you were sure was locked. It didn’t magically unlock itself!

24. Whatever you do, remember that the killer will never forget what you did last Summer.

25. If you’re pointing a gun at the killer, don’t say “If you move I’ll shoot! I’m serious!” Just shoot him already!

26. Just lay down on the floor and pretend to be dead. Hey, it works for bears… doesn’t it?

27. Never back out of one room into another without looking. It’s always behind you.

28. If you see something moving, hit it with a baseball bat… even if it turns out to be your friend. Swing first, say sorry later.

29. Listen to the advice of all the people in the movie theater who are yelling at the screen!

30. Don’t trot round the house shouting, “Hey! is anybody there?” Of course there’s somebody there, dummy!

31. Never take a shower. Killers love showers. Anyway, sweaty people are slippery and harder to catch.

32. If you’re a girl, get a boyfriend. He’ll be horribly murdered in front of you, but at least you’ll live.

33. If you hear weird noises, don’t go to investigate. You’re not Dora the Explorer.

34. Stay out of the library. It’s one of the worst places to hide. Seriously, it’s like a labyrinth of getting murdered. Do you realize how easy it is for a killer to hide behind a bookcase?

35. If you’ve beaten the killer into a bloody pulp and you’re sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise destroy him.

36. If somebody claims that there’s nothing wrong, something is horribly, horribly wrong.

37. If you’re asked to babysit during a storm, on Halloween, on Friday the 13th or during a full moon, just say “Sorry, no can do”.

38. Don’t pick up hitchhikers and don’t hitchhike. If you do both, then the worst case scenario is: You could end up picking yourself up and murdering yourself.

39. If one of your friends is injured, leave them behind. Even if it’s just a skinned knee. That qualifies as an injury. Leave them.

40. If you friend gets shot, don’t, under any circumstances, do CPR. This will only make them die faster!

41. Always have your keys at the ready. You don’t want to be fumbling in your bag going “Oh where are they? I’m sure I have them here somewhere!” while the killer closes in.

42. Drips are never good. If you hear a dripping sound, it’s blood. Likewise, if you hear a clang, it’s a meat cleaver and if you hear a thunk, it’s a severed head.

43. If there is a scary legend, believe it. It’s real. It doesn’t matter of the legend says the killer has an onion for a head or a bear trap for a mouth. It’s real and he’s coming for you tonight.

44. If someone says “It’s just the wind, guys. Everything’s fine. Stop overreacting”, you should reply “Yeah well I hope I won’t overreact when you’re dead and stuffed beneath the floorboards”.

45. Avoid screaming, crying, whispering, panting, wheezing or breathing heavily when you’re trying to hide. Killers are not deaf.

46. Never bend down to spit out your toothpaste. When you come back up, there’ll be someone standing behind you in the mirror.

47. Don’t go to places with weird names like Terror Lake, Hell Hollow, Devil’s Den, Screamerville, Skull Valley, Dead Man’s Crossing, Spook Hill, Ghost Creek, Bloody Springs or Slaughter Beach.

48. Never go downstairs to check out a weird noise. Especially not in your underwear.

49. If your friends go to check out a strange noise and don’t return, don’t go looking for them. Just make new friends.

50. If your son starts telling you “I see dead people”, put him up for adoption!

51. If you’re babysitting a kid and they tell you they saw someone scary at the window, tell them to stand at the window and wave while you go hide.

52. If you’re running from zombies and your friend trips and falls, don’t worry. Leave them behind and say “I’ll see you again when you’re a zombie!”

53. DO NOT hide where you obviously could be SEEN… like BEHIND a LAMP! *idiot*

54. This is the 21st Century. You have a cell phone. Why does nobody in horror movies call 911?

55. If you’re black, stay away from white people. They’re too curious – always checking out noises and getting killed.

56. Have a fat friend. They will come in useful. If you run into the killer, you can use them as a human shield.

57. When you hear the music change to “ch, ch, ch, ch…ah, ah, ah, ah”, you’re as good as dead.

58. If you and your friends are running from the killer, trip up your friends. You can always make new friends, but there’s only one you.

59. If you are babysitting and the phone rings, don’t answer it. Just go home and leave the kids to fend for themselves.

60. Always check the back seat of the car. 9 out of 10 times, the killer will be crouched there going “Aw dude, you caught me!”

61. If you come to a deserted town, it’s probably been deserted for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.

62. If you’re not sure who’s the killer and who’s an innocent person, shoot them all and let God sort them out.

63. If you see something mutating, don’t stand there with your “OMFG” face and wait for it to finish mutating. Kill it with fire and get the hell outta there.

64. I’m a leader not a follower… but if we’re going into a haunted house… you’re going first.

65. If some idiot in the group says “Let’s split up”, tell him “OK you go that way, the rest of us will go this way.”

66. Never under any circumstances run upstairs if you are being chased. Once you get upstairs, there’s nowhere left to go.

67. If you’re hiding from the killer, put your phone on silent.

68. Make sure the killer is dead. if the killer isn’t dead they will just keep coming back like team rocket.

69. OK under the bed is not a real hiding spot. What self-respecting killer WOULDN’T check under the bed?

70. If your BestFriendForever trips and falls and screams “Don’t leave me!”, change their friendship status to BestFriendForNever.

71. If you find your friend stabbed 78 times and lying in a pool of blood, dont go “OMG what happened?” You KNOW what happened.

72. When you find your friend stabbed 78 times dont comfort her. Run! She’s gonna die anyway. There’s still one person you can save… YOU!

73. The killer never dies the first time. Wait until he gets up, then kill him again.

74. When you’re driving at night and you hit someone, don’t stop to see if they’re OK.

75. Hide in the fridge. Killers don’t get hungry and stop for munchies during a murder spree.

76. Never look behind you while running away. When you look back, the killer will be standing in front of you.

77. Make sure your car has a full tank of gas and your cell phone is fully charged.

78. Whenever a puppet or doll turns to you and says “Let’s play”, it doesn’t REALLY want to play.

79. If you knock on the door of a creepy old house and it opens by itself, don’t go inside.

80. If objects in your house become possessed and start attacking you, don’t run into the kitchen. That’s where the knives are!

81. If you hear a little girl singing a nursery rhyme, say “Feet don’t fail me now!” and start running.

82. Don’t stop at a gas station and ask the creepy old man for directions. He’s not going to help you.

83. After you shoot the killer, don’t drop your gun.

84. If someone hands you a videotape and says “If you watch this you will die in 7 days”, don’t break out the popcorn.

85. If you see something weird, tell someone. Don’t just go “Oh, I must be imagining things.”

86. There is a killer in town and the police have asked us to give you the following safety tips: Stay in well-lit areas, do not travel alone and, whenever possible, always wipe front to back.

87. Never get into a car. It will either not start, break down, run out of gas or you will lose the keys. Either way, the killer will be hiding in the back seat.

88. If a policeman arrives, don’t get your hopes up. He will be killed just before he reaches you.

89. Find a good hiding place and STAY THERE. If the killer can’t see or hear you, WHY WOULD YOU MOVE?

90. If you are buying a house and the real estate agent is all like “well, yeah, full disclosure – there were some murders that happened here”, buy a different house.

91. If you hear something creepy in the distance, like a dog’s yelp cut off mid-bark, don’t investigate. The killer is there. Also your dog is dead.

92. Never attempt to pull off the killer’s mask. You won’t like what you see.

93. Never assume the killer is dead. Shoot him, stab him, chop off his arms, legs and head, then burn the pieces and put them out with holy water. If possible, rocket his charred remains into space. Even then, he probably won’t be dead.

94. If you have any history of mental illness, you will discover at the end of the movie that you were the killer all along.

95. If the walls of your house bleed, do not attempt an exorcism. Move very very far away. Because there’s blood on your walls. Blood! On your walls! YOUR WALLS ARE BLEEDING!

96. Never kiss your boyfriend or girlfriend. Smooching couples are a magnet for deranged serial killers.

97. Never yell things like “It’s over now” or “We made it”. That guarantees that it’s not over and you won’t make it.

98. If you spot a weird dude in your garden holding a chainsaw, he is not there to trim your hedges.

99. Don’t get drunk or do drugs. Escaping from a killer is much harder when you’re stumbling around and singing to yourself.

100. If you’re going on vacation, Google the name of the area. If the first five search results are news stories about Missing Persons, take a holiday somewhere else.

101. Don’t go outside just because you hear a noise. That’s like coming out and saying “Here I am! I’m ready to be murdered now!”

102. Protect yourself. Find a weapon. Gun, knife, chainsaw = weapons. Umbrella, mop, lamp = not weapons.

103. Don’t drink alcohol or do drugs. Killers in horror movies have an extra-special hatred of drunk or stoned teenagers.

104. If your Dad goes insane and starts hacking down your bedroom door with an axe, don’t try to reason with him. Jump out the window.

105. Upstairs? Bad idea. Outside? Don’t go there. Phone? Never works. Gun? Don’t drop it. Car? Won’t start. Neighbors? Never home. Police? Always die.

106. If you hear a scary noise and find out that it’s just the cat, the next scary noise you hear won’t be just the cat.

107. If one of your arms or legs gets chopped off, don’t let it get you down. Later on, you may be able to replace it with a chainsaw or machine gun.

108. Don’t sacrifice yourself to save someone else. Usually the person you saved will die anyway.

109. If you see someone in a mask, don’t assume it’s just one of your friends playing a prank on you.

110. If your parents murdered a serial killer years ago, the killer will return to murder you. Strangely, he will leave your parents alone.

111. If your girlfriend is a hot cheerleader, dump her for the weird chick that nobody likes. Weird chicks never get killed, cheerleaders always die.

112. A good strategy is to say “No! Kill me instead!” That way, the killer will leave you alone and murder everbody else. Reverse psychology.

113. Don’t make friends with rednecks or hillbillies unless you want to be down on all fours, squealing like a pig.

114. Never make a plan, because your plan will take into account everything that could possibly happen, except for the one thing that actually happens.

115. If you throw away a doll and come home to find it waiting for you, immediately leave the country. There is no other way to get rid of it.

116. If the calls are coming from inside the house, get outside the house.

117. When you find a strange weapon, immediately grab it. Later on, this will be the only weapon capable of killing the monster.

118. If you are shooting at a monster with a big gun and it has no effect, don’t take out a smaller gun and start shooting.

119. If a girl with long black hair starts crawling out of your TV, hit the OFF button on the remote before she gets all the way out.

120. If you’re being chased by a killer and you meet one of your friends and they ask “what’s wrong?”, don’t stop to explain. Just shout “Cantstoptotalkkillerchasingmeseeyoulater” as you pass by.

121. If all else fails, make friends with the villain and help him kill everyone else. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.